Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
