Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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