isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
