I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
