she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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