i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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