i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
