I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize