Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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