I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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