I want to have your abortion
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize