Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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