Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
