I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
