naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
