i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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