I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
