i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I am mentally ready for anal.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
