see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
