I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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