Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
