I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He? As in you personified your dick?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
