Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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