He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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