Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
