I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
