In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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