I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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