fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
