she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
