What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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