I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
