i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
