you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
