we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
