your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
