Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
