The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just forgot I was standing up.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
