my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
