Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
