Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
