There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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