I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
