I think I died a long time ago.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
