I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
