I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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