If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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