I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
