he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
