why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize