dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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