I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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