Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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