You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
