Your face is a jimmy john
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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