dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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