She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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