nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize