Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
