so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
