I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
